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Counting Sheeps | Friday, August 19, 2011

I'll be counting sheeps,
I'll be thanking God everyday
I'll be listening to oldies
I'll be hoping you stay safe.
I'll be praying your love to never fade for Christ
I'll be seeing you soon.

Deep in this world of heartless people, who don't care about you
You feel small, hopeless and very much not attached to anything...
A dampened spirit everyday or every once in a while and that feeling lasts for quite abit..

You seek for a stable love, a constant, that no matter what you're feeling, where you may be and how you're trying to not cry, I just want to tell you...

GOD is LOVE. HE IS REAL. HE IS MORE REAL THAN THE GUY OR GIRL WHO'LL BREAK YOUR HEART, MORE REAL THAN THE FRIENDS WHO ARE NOT AS TRUSTWORTHY, HE IS MORE REAL THAN BEING STRAPPED FOR CASH, MORE REAL THAN THE HABITS YOU HAVE TO SURVIVE THIS WORLD. HE SENT HIS ONE AND ONLY SON TO DIE FOR YOUR SINS, ON THE CROSS! JESUS THINKS OF YOU AS IMPORTANT, PRECIOUS AND WORTH DYING FOR. Live your life by grace. Live according to how He loves you. You are more than what this world labels you as... your insecurities, put the judgements on them one side and think clearly. God made us in detail. and He never found fault in his creations, it's sin that drives people emotions to critic. In the perfect world, we'd not see flaws, we'd see victory and overcomers. But with faults, sin comes in and made us cowardice into not facing up and standing up with pride against it. Remember God has already won, now its just a matter of time til this world and you see it too :)
xoxo♥you know you love me 1:18 PM

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Never press the red button | Wednesday, February 09, 2011

So here I am, finishing up my last year in Uni
Coming to an end with my last cycle on the JB team
Walking away from some relationships that have not exactly been right for me
I did hurt some along the way, but somehow I got some release and let go.
I want to return back and concentrate on the more important stuff.

Ultimately nothing else is going to get me through but God alone.
Reserving every ounce of needed strength, time, committment to one Love alone.

"I havent spoken to you for 2 years.
Humanly as possible, I'll say, doubt I'm gna be giving my heart away anymore."

would it happen?

signing out.
xoxo♥you know you love me 10:11 PM

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flaggin red lights, daunting streams and running hurdles | Friday, November 19, 2010

truly need to kill this whole procrastination, more like fear to be exact, of touching my notes.
I can sit at my table for 7 hours straight, flip through 6 chapters of notes - highlight, scribble, paste sticknote pads all around the borders and still..I stare blankly at my notes, wishing somehow the examiners would just cut us students some slack and allow for audio-responses instead.

I have full confidence in voicing out my opinions and stating information down faster by talking it out, and absolutely dreading this whole point in writing down endless flow of infomation within 3 hours.

Being concise is one thing, but how do you automatically rephrase, summarise all forms of egs used by my lecturers into conceivable sentences when what the examiners want is a focused answer and not one made out of egs.

That aside,
I've been going out too much with so many groups of people, YES I LOVE THEM ALL DEARLY.
Absolutely adore each person I meet for their wonderful personalities.
And its like being in a group, where you know pretense is inexistent, letting God be in control of my friendship circles, made my heart lighter, joyous, appreciative of all things good, silly and funny.
The wisdom I pick up from there, the thoughts and considerations I've developed to be better..

simply said, you know why I love reading my bible.
Because not only does it hold truths in it about who God is, its more than just knowing about God.
Its about how Christ-like WE ARE MEANT TO BE!
It's about more than just hearing the gospel and shoving it aside, it's about how His cross of salvation, brings renewal, brings peace, brings hope and more than that, faith and PURPOSE and EVEN MORE SO LOVE.

Words barely explain how God's words works spiritually which then becomes reality, in love, thoughts, mentality, attitude, reaffirming and correcting your belief and yes, your way of looking at everything.

I don't want to be that one person who takes on one perspective of a situation and have me stuck in a pit when it goes down the drain. God's words really opens up my eyes, to re analysing my shortcomings, opening my new eyes to seeing how a situation so bad, can still be worked in a positive manner.

God's words, sets that standard of behaviour in His righteousness for myself..and knowing whenever I fall out of line or below that rightful level I'm suppose to be at, helps me re align myself and know when to return to Him for counsel and repentance...A father's love that is merciful, wonderful and glorious.

Thank You Jesus, You've made my year a wonderful journey to learn from.
xoxo♥you know you love me 2:35 AM

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A brand new chapter | Friday, May 21, 2010

It's tomorrow.
Really can't believe it.
I AM EXCITED cos it'll be a new chapter to add to my life in serving God.
I am going to join thechurch in JB, a brand new chapter for myself as well as my church!
Though my tired smile doesn't quite express it, I REALLY AM IN AWE of what ever that's going to happen.

Today, was different, different from other days which were different too.
I was struggling before net rally.
Struggling to find peace.
It felt different while I was at church office, it was a light joy to be helping out, but just reaching tiong, I felt my heart sink.
Tired, unexplainable exhaustion and just mood swings.
Yes I think I do know why, and I had to do something about it.
I was uncomfortable, the atmosphere which i stepped into was flooded with negativity, my mind began its cycle of thoughts.

I began to cry out inside.
Crying out for a release, a release from my usual weekend struggles.
But God had me straightened out at the right time,
He had my heart open to receive the encouragement, to receive the joy that my net members shared about their lives, and He had me in His hand this whole time when He knew I was going to fall.

As much as I like to use the monthly thing as an excuse to avoid the moodiness,
it's not that.
Not it at all.
Just things I need to settle with God and my heart, though externally everything seems okay.

Last night, talking to tanzy and coming clean with her about my own thoughts, made it a step toward relieving myself of the guilt that our friendship went down hill. The faults we both had was never dealt with but last night, things were clear, it was never about judging, it was never about cheating. It was how we both as girlfriends were going to deal and accept each other's faults with that same amount of love and respect and not change it over committed mistakes.

Reading a short message from Aunty Jacq, and it was encouraging to know that I am on the right track.
I'm glad that this is happening. I guess a needed break from the routine of my weekend life and replacing it with a great purpose of serving God.

Just pray that I can cast aside those thoughts and take on the desires of God to go all the way for Him. I keep pulling myself back which is frustrating, and I need to fix on the armour of God to protect myself so much more.

It'll be a tough road ahead as I seek God to deal with my life as well as push me on.
I am ready for this challenge. :)

I suppose it's not wrong to say that I DO NEED this challenge to make me stronger and soldier on. This is me, my identity.
xoxo♥you know you love me 11:20 PM

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who's sitting next to you | Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I really have no idea why I'm at this stage...

REEVALUATING everything around me.
like with whom do i have my heart to heart talks now. [not many, or none nowadays]

Troubling, somesort.
I chose this, to avoid, thinking all i had to do was call God whenever I needed to talk to.
That i don't need to talk to a friend or anything.
Then I read galatians about how brothers should share their burdens with each other and all..
To you whom I want to share with, I can't, for many unforgettable reasons why, and now it's awkwardly weird saying anything.
To the other I want to share with, I can't, for reasons i'm not going to devulge.
and To another, then again makes me reconsider if I'm just going to look like a whiney fool wanting attention.

Asking God if I'm the one who pushes? Is it my silly mind always being critical of just how my friendships go.
Not a good track record to begin with, but i know He's taken that worrying past away, and now I'm faced with new thoughts.

I think this weekend away, would be great though, for 2 months too.
It's an opportunity away from it all to let me clear my mind.
It can't possibly be my exams clouding my mind.
Is it irrationality?

How are good friendships ever justified? everyday contact? or plain-when i'm in need i call you?

But on the positive side:
I'm fever-free, [being unkind to my health by being up at this un-godly hour], but still croaky in the throat though..

I will NOT be MOVED - Natalie Grant.
I have to take a stand. A stand on my friendships. Heartaches, whatever, I really need to leave it to God.
I'm sorry to those whom I've not been able to share with, not that I don't, but i really am not comfortable with sharing too much personal stuff. Sorry. really...
xoxo♥you know you love me 12:58 AM

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a place for you in my heart always! | Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Close to about 2 years now since aunty Monica's passing.

I do miss her greatly.
A net leader of an entire adults group and she was only 17 in poly.
Her liveliness, her joy was all so natural and definitely that spark that brought tenderness to you heart with so much warmth.
Her heart was truly for people, her boldness was God-given, her rejoicefulness was shared with the high heavens and her smile was a gift to the weary.

I'm glad to have been in that net, since a toddler and all the birthdays we celebrated! Night outings after lifegroup and everything. Her life's testimony is my goal, to be like her as much as possible, to follow her footsteps like how she was so alive for God.

To honour God like how she did, truly thank God for such an inspiration in my life!
I say this and feel this all the same, but though she has passed on, my mind somehow has yet to register it, even til now I still feel she's busy sharing her joy and the Gospel to someone in need somewhere in the world. Her legacy of her service to the kingdom is still greatly present and deeply engraved in my heart for such a wonderful wonderful endearing polished pearl.
xoxo♥you know you love me 1:55 PM

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Where did we even begin | Saturday, May 08, 2010

Juggling things, yet not feeling much of a straint as i should yeeks me out.
Grateful that God took all this stress and everything off my shoulders, to be able to go about the hectic and full-on load of church stuff, yet still enjoy what I do for Him without feeling as much as an ounce of pinch on my skin.

Yes, I won't deny the number of times I've been sleeping in til late recently as a result of running around too much, but as I worry now and then that I may not be able to soak in all that excessive flow of information as I study and think of my net, my responsibilities, my commitments to school, to home, to my CW kids, to my friends outside, tuition stuff and other nitty gritty stuff...Somehow this unexplanable peace just resides within my soul.

Just awhile ago in the car, as i tuned in to BBC, coincidentally, it was a talk about teenagers and ambitiously taking on tonnes of activities which can cause burnout. I questioned if I were in that category?
Do I let go of some of the stuff which I'm doing, ( I know I'll cry, cos it'll feel like i'm letting some people go), Lord knows I don't wanna do that.
If I do, who is responsible enough to take over, to not be bias, to be impartial, to be better than what they used to be, to go at it strong, to do it willingly, to know the importance they play, NOT for man but for God alone, and to realise that its not a role that seeks empowerment or status, but a role that benefits himself/herself in spirit seeing the region grow positively?

I've made a decision for my overseas trip next year, it'll be long, as well as for missions.
Seeking God more about this decision though.
My heart is still being stirred about this 4 month hiatus from Singapore and as much as I know I'm going to love doing this, I don't want to disrupt the plans He has in store for me.
As much as I know this is going to be a very tough decision for me to make, I really do hope He'll give me a sign and right timing.

Other thoughts about some people did come to mind, but you know, eventually, my emotions are irrelevant. My heart still does sway back and forth like a pendulum, hopeless fool. As they say, time will tell huh?

Enough said, sitting for my first end year paper in a days' time and I think this is as far as my thoughts go for tonyte before hitting my books, bible and the sack.

Ever found it scary, yet enlightening to know that all you need is to have faith and trust in God? I did. Well just look at how far I've made it :) . Maybe you should change your heart and mind about who you're trusting your life with, really!
xoxo♥you know you love me 11:40 PM

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